Forgiveness—A Misunderstood Concept
A psychologist recently asked her ezine readers the question, “Who, in your life, would really benefit from your forgiveness, if only you could give it?” This question perpetuates the misunderstanding that forgiveness is for the benefit of the other person. The majority of people have this common misunderstanding about, who forgiveness is for. However, it is shocking to realize a psychologist misunderstands this concept as well. The fundamental misunderstanding of forgiveness is that we think that forgiveness is something we do for the other person because we are superior to them or self-sacrificing and magnanimous. We believe the other person has done us harm, but, we, being the morally superior one, the more religious one; and, in our magnanimous generosity, forgive them. Forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for oneself. We can find the truth of this in the meaning of the word ‘resentment.’ Resentment means to feel again. As long as we hold resentment we are feeling that hurt again and again and it keeps us from living, growing and understanding. It puts a damper on our lives. It saps our energy and clouds our perceptions. The first time somebody hurts you in some manner, it is his/her responsibility/burden, but every time you allow that hurt to come into your soul after that, you bear responsibility/burden for it. Hatred, it has long been said, is a knife one wields by the blade. Forgiveness is something that one does for oneself, a way for one to go on with one’s life, to avoid having that other person’s wrong-doing on your mind, robbing you of energy, robbing you of happiness, and continuing to yield the same amount of hurt over and over again. All Spiritual practices are unanimous on this concept: The contraction of the heart that comes about because of resentment, of holding grudges, of the inability to let go of a ‘wrong’ is inexplicably painful. And not only that, it is spiritually debilitating, because all of those traits and characteristics and potentials that we have within us that is the business of spirituality to bring forth in us: openness to others; a lack of self-confidence; the ability to reach out, maintaining a connection with ourselves at our deepest level, with other people at their essence, with this wonderful world, all those traits, the best parts of our nature, that spirituality at its best helps us to cultivate; all of those are crippled by resentment. Another misunderstanding is that forgiveness and reconciliation occur simultaneously. It is wonderful if it does, but forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. You can forgive someone—you can let them back into your heart, you can understand that their behavior is not the whole of their personality and their personhood. You can understand what has occurred; you can see the misunderstandings that are there. Forgiveness is truly opening your heart to that person, but not necessarily having them in your life. It doesn’t mean that you have to maintain the relationship. It means that you have healed the hurt they inflicted on you; that it is no longer commandeering your happiness; that you have taken back your power by understanding the flawed humanity of the other person and let them go from your heart and open yourself to wishing them well. If you do not feel safe having them back in your life, you can still forgive them. Forgiveness is an act of healing your hurt without condoning the unskillful or hurtful acts of other people. In religious counseling, we are taught to ‘turn the other cheek,’ or ‘let a by-gone be a by-gone. The spiritual meaning of ‘turn the other cheek,’ is to recognize the other person’s behavior and avoid reacting in kind. Letting a by-gone be a by-gone means that we ‘let the other person off the hook.’ This, not only, will not work, it causes another layer of harm to the person, who is struggling with the hurt from another person. It is difficult for human beings to forgive if one is allowing themselves to be continually harmed. The task of setting boundaries and stopping the person from hurting you is formidable, but possible. Many people have forgiven and established a friendship with people who have killed or gravely harmed their loved one. This is testimony that forgiveness is a natural part of the human experience if we forgive for ourselves rather than forgiving for the other person. Forgiveness is a process. It is not an act of will to forgive. Saying, “I forgive you,’ when you have had little time to process the egregious act you experienced is foolhardy and seldom works. Forgiveness is an act of grace after having adequate time to process the experience; not an act of will and it is something each person needs to arrive to in their own time and process. It is unrealistic to expect one to ‘will’ oneself to forgive, but one can be willing to forgive. That is an important distinction. One can be willing to forgive by letting go, allowing the heart time to understand, soften and open again, because keeping the heart closed hurts every aspect of your being—mind, body and spirit. Last, but not least—I wish you well on your journey to forgiveness to create peace of mind and happiness. Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, international speaker and inspirational leader specializes in: Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Physical/Sexual Abuse Prevention and Recovery. Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life's challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net |
Other Articles
No One Told Me Being A Senior Citizen Would Be Such Fun I am a late-bloomer singer/songwriter from San Diego. I didn’t know how much fun it would be to be a senior citizen but my senior years have been my most exciting and I hope to inspire other seniors to live their dreams, as I am doing.Let me tell you of my accomplishments, so you have an idea of what I have done and why I hope to inspire ...The Lessons of April Fools Day Who does not know about The First of April? We try to make fool of others on this day to have a hearty laugh. It is the battle of wits on this day. All of us expect to get fooled, and try to save ourselves from making others laugh at our expense. Are all of us not fools even otherwise? This may sound shocking; so let me tell you why I think so. ...Chopping Wood and Carrying Water Humanity takes itself much too seriously and every experience does not have to be a life and death situation.Before the industrial revolution came along, humanity was involved with living. Half the world's population produced all the food that would supply the other half. Rural residents produced their own food and in doing so they mainta ...Church Quotes For The Kids In Juvenile Hall FromThe Ensign May 2002 Conference1. Decisions determine destination. 2. We must be true to our ideals, for ideals are like the stars: you can’t touch them with your hands, but by following them you reach your destination. 3. Courage is required to think right, choose right, and do right, for such a course will rarely, if ever, b ...Energize Your Mind With Inspirational Writing Exercises Feeling uninspired? Like you're stuck in a rut with your writing?Free your inner creativity by trying some exercises to invigorate your writing.As I said in my article Stimulate Your Writing With Some Creative Exercises at - http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/a ...How To Become An Inspiring Sales Leader An inspired and motivated workforce is essential for any business that hopes to stay ahead of the competition. But just how do you motivate people? What kind of leadership do people respond to? And how can you improve the quality of leadership in your business?The Inspiration Gap:In a survey of more than one and a half thous ...Discernment and Judgement Discernment is an inner guide or compass. It is loving and expansive, and offers freedom, honor and options. Judgment on the other hand dishonors, condemns, and contradicts.Judgment is all about others. It always sets up a polarity or emotional value of this is good and this is bad. An example of this is: A person looks at a brown car and ...What Does it Take to Make Life Better? What does it take for you to pay attention?You’ve probably heard this said, or said it yourself sometime, “I just realised how precious life is.” Maybe you heard it when a relative died or maybe you said it after an accident or some other emotional event, but did you stop to consider the grander meaning to what you say…What if ever ...How Can I Feel Better About Myself and My Life? Excerpts from Know Yourself The passion and determination you feel within your heart and soul are the forces of manifestation.So as you wish to create or give birth to a new area of self- expression and manifestation in your life, trust that you will be divinely guided from within to fulfill what you wish to express and manifest. Release all attachment to outcomes. ...What's Your Agenda? Take a couple of random 18-year-old guys and shove them into a room the size of a Winnebago shower stall for two years. One of two things will happen; they’ll bond… or one will end up putting a pillow over the other’s head while he sleeps.For two years of college, my roommate, Ben, and I lived together, partied together, ate together and, ...Motivational & Inspirational Posters and Prints Give Balance In the hectic world of today we seem to find little time for simple pleasures and it feels almost impossible to fully de-stress yourself. There is much attention on all the negative aspects of life that we are bombarded with via TV reporters and violent movies. But, there is still enough of the good things in life and simple pleasures to be had ...In God's Time "Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart" (Hebrews 12:3).Evaluate! Appreciate! Contemplate! Consider Him who confronted all sorts of affronts so that we may be able to have patience and persistence. The Noblest Man suffered a most ignoble death. Even as He was dying, "The pe ...Riches in the Leftovers As surely as turkey and dressing will soon appear on tables around the United States, there also will soon be lots of leftovers in the lives of Thanksgiving celebrants. But I'd like to talk today about another kind of leftovers.This Thanksgiving season, I'm enjoying a study of the story of Ruth in the Bible. You may recall she's the one w ...Get Rid of Impossible “If you have faith as mustard seed… nothing will be impossible for you” (Matthew 17:20 NKJV).As the concept, impossible, I remember the late great Dr. Norma Vincent Peale’s book “You Can If You Think You Can.” Dr. Peale described the curious procedure of a well-known inspirational great writer named Napoleon Hill, whom I greatly admired. ...Back-Planning For Success Coming up with new dreams and passions can be fun, easy and inspiring - at least until you sit down and begin trying to sort out how to actually accomplish these wild goals. Suddenly, what seemed like such a clear and well-marked path takes on the aspect of an overgrown and thickly brambled wilderness of dangerous, unseen pitfalls and endlessly ...Lifetime of Discoveries: Moments of Peace and Renewal There are discoveries all around us—small gifts of joy that bring moments of peace and renewal.Yet it is easy to miss the small things of uncommon value and inspiration—the cycles of life in a thriving forest, the perfection of a brilliant flower, the purposefulness of a delicate butterfly, or the spiritual beauty within another ...Adversity, What Is It Good For? As I sat down to write this article, I was reflecting back over the last week – a week filled with adversity. We all go through it and it is during those times that we may often wonder what is it all for anyway? What is the point? What is it good for?I decided to look up the word, adversity, from my old American Heritage Dictionary. The w ...Big O Growing up, I remember my Dad had some really good friends. They had the most amazing, positive and magnetic energy. Arguably, they were also among the "coolest" of their time. One in particular, is not only admired by me, but by countless others who affectionately know him as, "Big O." ...How to Sell 200 Copies of Your Book in One Hour How to sell 200 copies of their book to 20 peopleLast week I sold 200 copies of my book www.bornonthecontinent.com to 20 people. They were members of the Rotary club and the expected turnout for the event was poor due to poor weather. The organizer who invites guest speakers was so distressed because they expected at least 70 membe ... People Who Give You Angst Have A Gift For You Have you wondered why it seems that the same type person shows up in your life—the person who gives you the most angst, a.k.a. difficult people? This person could be your neighbor, boss, colleague, service provider, someone on a committee you are on, etc.Metaphysically, we are here to learn and grow spiritually and emotionally. In order ...How Beautiful Are You Inside? I have so many women in my life and one common thing I have always noticed about them all, is that they love looking beautiful at all times. I am very sure this is not debatable. A woman can stand at the front of a mirror for a long time just to ensure that she is looking attractive and that everything about her is perfect. The more imperfection ...
|